Being a validation seeker is probably the deepest form of self-betrayal. I know because I’ve been there.
Validation seeking eats at your crux and no matter how much you want to be vulnerable enough to be yourself, there is a little b*tch in the back of your mind convincing you of how inadequate it believes you are.
This voice convinces you that the real you is unlikable. That your voice is faint. That there is absolutely no way a person could love the likes of you. This voice convinces you that in order to achieve all things you want, you must succomb to abandoning yourself.
& in the pursuit of being “liked” or “accepted” you fall victim to emotionally unavailable, unhealthy, and tyrant relationships. These relationships scour your soul and eat off every bit of your self-esteem to the bare bone. Validation seeking leaves you as raw and as empty as a carcass. Victims of seeking validation generally don’t feel like they are actually worthy of the lives they live nor do they trust themselves to make decisions.
Fortunately, you can get your sh*t together and grow into the very person you were meant to be. YOURSELF. You can live an honest life and not feel embarrassed or unworthy of the very love you deserve. Read this twice: I am f*cking worth it.
Stop seeking the validation of self-righteous people. Trust me when I say it is simple. It all calls for the art of no-f*cks-given.
Understand this: we seek validation from others because it brings a sense of security and eliminates uncertainty.
To beat the system you have to (1) be open to the road less traveled.
In order to make progress, I had to take the road less traveled (literally). Moving out of California was a huge step in the path to validating myself and building my self-esteem. It was a decision I made on my own and I was proud of it. It was my first experience leaving the state, leaving my family, and starting my own chapter, and it never felt so right.
Which leads me into my next point…
(2) You’ll never win. People will always talk sh*t. It is what it is, and that’s o-f*cking-kay.
Leading my own life was the most challenging experience I faced. It consisted of countless arguments, numerous bowls of pistachio nut ice cream, and teary-eyed nights. I found myself stuck in a pit of nonsense until I got it together and realized that I made the decision for myself. It was a decision I was proud of and brought me more positive moments and beautiful adventures than any other experience I would have had living in my California safety zone.
You realize that you are the only person that has to deal with the decisions you make. Why deal with the outcomes because someone else told you to? There is a sense of self-awareness once you can get past that fact that people will always be against you, its just how people work.
I will only say this once: (3) You don’t owe anyone a damn thing.
Be unapologetic. The truth is – you don’t owe any apologies, respect, affection, explanations, or agreements. You don’t need to spread yourself thin to make others happy and you damn sure don’t need to explain yourself or your decisions.
I know better than most how hard this can be, but it can be done. But you will certainly need to prepare for this next bit.
Understand that if you plan on becoming the real you (4) you are going to disappoint people and that isn’t your problem.
Disappointment is defined as the feeling of displeasure caused by non-fulfillment of a said person’s expectations. So help me understand why is it so crucial to break your back in order to avoid disappointing everyone but you? This is the real betrayal to yourself. What about your expectations and your fulfillment?
You validate yourself when you (5) expect from yourself.
Begin holding yourself to a higher standard and have expectations for yourself. Honor your needs and aspirations and dare not settle for anything less than you deserve.
Remember those boundaries we talked about? Bruh, let’s get serious and really put them to work. Your boundaries are your laws of the land – never allow anyone to cross them. These are your standards. You will thank me in the long run. You don’t need to worry about anything that falls short of your boundaries. Learn not to expect anything from anyone, you only have control over what and who you accept into your life – everything good and everything bad.
You are too f*cking amazing to play in the symphony – so step up and conduct the orchestra that is your best life.